Frog and Goat

I just sent the better-half an email complaining about how much I hate working in this building. The heating/air conditioner/air handler unit in the ceiling above me rages every day and sometimes it is so bad that the walls vibrate. I was so cold yesterday that when I left and got in the car I just left the windows up and basked in the stifling, stale, hot air of the car.

I was just out in the hallway, which you know is never a good thing, and the village idiot just said something to me and I swear to God she speaks in another language but passes it off as English. I didn’t even respond. For once, I ‘d like her to begin a sentence that starts off with an attention getter and then close the sentence with something that indicates the end. Instead I get something that sounds like this: “Elephant jump refrigerator clean.”

The better-half answered my ranting email with the simple phrase: I think she said, “Welcome to Hell.”

I just went down the hall to pick up a large print out and yes; I use the way-far-away printer because I hate having to walk ten feet into the production room because that means interacting with the training center support staff. I know how elitist that sounds. When you figure one of them was wearing an electronic ankle bracelet when she was hired and can’t under any circumstance find her “inside” voice, you can understand why I may want to avoid her and her incomprehensible loud mumbling. And then there’s her co-worker who speaks at an appropriate volume but speaks in non sequiturs so I always feel like I’ve missed the first part of the conversation.

I walked into the copier/printer/mail room to pick up my print out and realized little Miss Non Sequitur was standing at the copier trying to figure out how to print one sheet a couple of times. Damn. She asked me which tray to use. I said I had no idea (because I was not interested in any tray other than the preset default), just press Start. I grabbed my print out and began my retreat. She said she got it and the copier started up. Like it would when you press Start.

I was once an administrative assistant for a mid-sized company and there were several things that I had to know how to do. As long as I completed the following things, I could spend the rest of my time plotting to take over the world (still working on that):

1. I had to be able to answer the phone, put people on hold, transfer the calls and take messages.
2. I had to create letters and other correspondence.
3. I had to maintain files.
4. I had to fax things.
5. I had to run credit reports.
6. I had to make copies.

Making copies is pretty easy once you’ve used one copier in your life. Even if that copier was the cheapest portable copier your dead-beat boss could find at a yard sale. We may not be quite at the ideal of Star Trek where people walk up to computer panels and even if they don’t speak Klingon can figure out how to fire the photon torpedo but we’re at the point where you can walk up to a copier and get a single sheet of paper to come out on the other side as two copies. Except where I work.