Frog and Goat

I’ve seen a car with the bumper sticker “I’m An American” plastered on the back and it has bugged me. The sticker doesn’t say “a proud American” just that the owner of the car is an American. Yesterday I found out where the owner of the car lives since she pulled out in front of traffic. Oh Lawd, wouldn’t want to make the American wait one more second while we go by–wait we’re Americans too. Yeah, like most people who live in this country we’re Americans. She may as well get a bumper sticker that says “I’m White” or something as OBVIOUS.

Do you think the fine folks at United Parcel Service, wait I mean UPS, thought about the fact that the one thing that comes to mind when someone says “Brown” is the the adage “Brown Goes Down”? Could the marketing hacks make us all a little dumber please? First they assume we can’t keep United Parcel Service in our heads so they go with UPS, now we are supposed to identify them as Brown. What happens when they decide wearing brown socks in the summer just isn’t really what they had in mind? Then what?

Yesterday when I got home from work, I found a grocery bag on the floor of the kitchen. It took me a minute to figure out the who, what, when, where and how. But then I remembered that the better half put 2 loaves of bread in the bag and left them on the counter. The stupid, evil cat jumped on the counter and wrestled it to the ground. We had to chuck the bread. That Darn Cat!

This morning the trash can was tipped over and the very thoroughly rinsed chorizo container was laying on the floor. Have I mentioned that cat is bad, bad, bad?

She’s no longer interested in sex because of this? It is a gross story but she lost her interest in sex? I’ve been shat on by pigeons while walking on a sidewalk and I haven’t lost my interest in eating chicken.

Today I ventured out during what I thought was going to be a break in the monsoon only to find that I had to white-knuckle it all the way to the main road…a good 15 minutes. There were parts of the road flooded that I’ve never seen flooded and I’m one of those sorry suckers who is from here.

Then when I get to Home Depot to finally buy the paint that is going to finish my tile wall paint job a totally crazy man leaps out into the roadway from behind a large van. I slammed on brakes only to see him smile and shoo me on. I should have backed up and run him over. Haven’t you learned anything during your 50-odd years on this planet? Do not leap out into traffic when you can’t see what’s coming and the traffic can’t see you and then don’t smile and shoo me on.

At BJ’s I had the brilliant idea to buy a case of Barq’s because for whatever reason the grocery store isn’t stocking cans of the stuff. I went through the self-check line and proceeded to have nearly every single can come off its plastic ring. Naturally, that brought the cashier. She was very nice and helped me finish checking out.

At the grocery store, I shopped there today only to bump us into the next level of holiday gifts, there was a particularly virulent brand of slack-jawed GG sort-of pushing their carts around. By the way, we now qualify for a pie or a bag of coffee or some clementines or a stuffed moose–I don’t know why a moose.

Then there was one woman all tarted up (shouldn’t you be at work if you are dressed like that?) who was cruising the toothpaste and lotion aisle. I grabbed my toothbrushes and then later realized we needed some mouthwash too. I had to go back there and she was still milling around the area. If after 15 minutes you haven’t decided what to buy, perhaps you should go home and lie down.

I forgot to mention when I got home I couldn’t get the garage door to unlock, then my shoe came off and then I found a boatload of water in the basement. Grrr.

Added 11/7/03–After listening to the better-half talk about the “tarted-up” woman as a prostitute all through dinner, I would like to explain that she was overdressed for shopping (in comparison) to everyone else that I saw at the grocery store. I’m positive she wasn’t a hooker. That tidbit of information would have made the shopping trip worth it.